I quit my job believing that I am stepping into God's calling for my life to serve in church, to lead the younger people, to inspire them, help them, walk with them. And I made a decision so BIG I still somehow cannot fathom how on earth I did it. Some people call me brave, some looked up to me for making THAT decision, even my ex CEO told me he wished young people could find what they're really passionate about and follow it. 

It's been 4 months since I quit and about 2 months since starting my 'job' in church. When signing my offer letter with my Pastor who is also my boss, I was a little optimistic about the tasks I'm given to. I thought I could do it, or at least try my very best to do it. But little did I know, this job has been the toughest I have ever done. I think I might have exaggerated a bit due to my mental or emotional conditions now. But it does feel like a heavy load every single day fighting with myself to get that 1 thing done - doing the church accounts, filling forms, having to be EXTRA meticulous with everything I do(which I really suck at). Not forgetting, all the little information I need to remember or take note of. I'm drowning. I feel like I just cannot ever do it. 

I thought of speaking to my boss about it at first, but I thought well, maybe I am feeling like this coz I am stuck at home - and being stuck at home did not help at all with work. I just cannot focus. I am still thinking if it's because of this quarantine that I am feeling so useless. Most of the time, almost everyday since the quarantine, I am just so disappointed with myself. Because I find it so so hard to do the task and I really think I have a problem in asking questions. Yes, I wasn't left alone to do all the work. The person handling all these work stuff is still doing most of the job. But I think I am really fearful that I will screw everything she has done for the church so far. And she really does it so well. I can never be like her. 

In addition to this stress that I am battling with, I have 2 groups of people whom I need to 'lead'. 

What makes it so so hard about this is that I kept feeling that I am trying too hard with them. It felt like we're trying to care or love the people who don't want to be cared for. I asked myself, why am I doing this? Is it because it's my job or is it because I really care for them, their lives, their struggles?? 

The answer is a yes and no. For some, yes I do care and do want to walk through life with them and encourage them, support them whenever I am able to. And for some, no. Because I don't dare go to near them. I am afraid of them. Rejection - is what I fear most of the time. And being labelled 'fake' is what I am afraid of. So now I feel like I'm just stuck here. I don't know what to do. Yes, I believe in prayer. I believe that with prayer, things will work out. And my husband once said, if your life is smooth sailing all the time, would you need to exercise faith? 

How can I exercise faith in this season where almost everyday is a battle? Some days are better than others, I try everyday. 

Today, I have a few hours to myself while the husband is out for work. And as I was showering I was screaming on the inside asking God to help me and get me out of this situation. I was reminded of the few young ones whom I went on a mission trip with in Sarawak. I was reminded of how little effort or 'trying' we were making with them and they appreciate the leadership of my husband and I so much. Thanking us, and letting us know how much of an impact we were to them. This is what I live for! I got into working full time in church, obeying God to journey with young people. My heart is for them. And I wouldn't trade the world for what I've experienced with 5 18 yr-olds 2 months ago. It really does keep leaders going when they see growth in the people. 

And now... Question is how come things are so so different with our own church, many seem not to care about what we do. We've been trying very hard. We try building relationship. At the same time, still feeling stuck and stagnant. Are we not doing enough? Do the people view church differently? What is it? Getting people to join Life Group is difficult.  I am sad, upset, disappointed. Do I care too much? I feel that I am to blame most of the time. Was I not relational enough? Should we not 'encourage' people to join in anymore? I don't know. 

These thoughts and emotions are getting to much to handle day by day. 

I really want to be able to experience freedom from feeling like everything is my fault. 

I will be better. I will be okay... Soon, I hope. I am surrendering everything to God now. And when I am out of this drowning mode, I want to be able to share it here again. 

Till then. 

Love,

Sheryn